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Self Renewal - The Critical Factor

Kim — Tue, 13 May 2008 02:00:16 +0000

I love watching the Home and Garden channel, especially when they renovate a house. Often times, when I watch the amazing home transformations that take place, I think about self renewal. For some reason, I started to relate the wear and tear and abuse we go through as people in comparison to a house. It’s amazing how a house weathers the external elements around it. In time, the house starts to show the signs of the battles it’s endured - the sagging shutters, the peeling paint, the loose shingles. Then there is the interior of the house - with its own unique set of needs - new plumbing, interior paint, new flooring.

Self renewal becomes important for us because we have various needs that must be addressed as well: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. Like a house, we have our external environment that nips away at us - our external appearance, our demeanor, our behavior. Sometimes, we even accumulate physical scars in the process. Then we have our internal needs - our body’s health, our mental well-being, our spiritual growth. This is why I believe that life dictates we refresh and/or improve ourselves. I believe our need to rest and/or sleep is intended for us to feel refreshed and/or improved to face a new day.

I think our busy lifestyles hurt our ability for self renewal, because we often try to squeeze as much as we can into every waking moment of our day. Sometimes, we even forego rest and/or sleep. The reality, however, lack of self renewal can result in deterioration. Think about that house - ignoring external needs makes the house look worn, old, or neglected. Ignoring the internal of that same house has repercussions as well. In our case, we have many areas of our lives that require self renewal. Truthfully, I used to dread the process. But now….now I have an entirely different perspective. I’m simply recharging, sharpening my saw, making improvements. Think about the alternative. Bring to mind the worst kept house you’ve ever seen. That could be you.

Just remember, self renewal doesn’t require an formal education or professional advice. Pay attention to your mind, body, and heart. They are feeding you plenty of clues. Of course, the easiest clue occurs when you’re tired. When this happens, your body is telling you that you need to rest. Most importantly, NEVER discount the importance of little things or small amounts of progress. For example, when I want to sharpen my mind, I may do activities like crossword puzzles to engage my mind. Also, I might spend several hours researching a topic I’ve always wanted to learn more about. On the other hand, if my external appearance needs help, I pay attention to those signs as well - maybe get a new hairstyle, improve my wardrobe, etc…

The point is you need self renewal. Without it, you disadvantage yourself. With it, you can thrive. Remember, you reap what you sow. If you don’t make time for self renewal, you can end up paying a steep price in the future.

Self Esteem Lesson From An Eleven Year Old

Kim — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 02:02:07 +0000

I’ve always been in awe of people who exhibit consistent high self-esteem. My eleven year-old son falls into this category. Many times, I wonder how his self esteem is so high when I must constantly work on my self confidence. Anyway, my eleven year-old loves sports and usually excels at them. To top it off, he’s a consistent high performer in academics as well. He truly believes that he can do anything he sets his mind to and rarely gives up until he gets the results he wants. Unfortunately, during football season, he had a game where things didn’t work out as he expected and he suffered public humiliation as a result. Keep reading………

My son plays youth football and he had a stellar season. He’s exciting to watch, makes big plays, scores points, and serves as the ‘play maker’ on the team. Prior to this one football game, my son’s self esteem was off the charts. He truly believed that he’d continue to do well and if he willed it, then his team would keep winning games. Unfortunately, my son’s opponents focus on stopping my son during football games. One game - he had his poorest performance ever. The other team completely shut him down. To make matters worse, my oldest son and brother-in-law made a special trip just to watch my eleven year-old play (added pressure). Additionally, there was a new youth sports’ announcer who publicly broadcast each kids statistics.

Needless to say, my son was devastated when his team lost. The tears flowed. Then in front of family, friends, and spectators my son’s dismal game statistics were broadcast for all to hear. Momentarily, my son felt embarrassed. However, his high level of self esteem kicked in. He lifted his head up high, remembering the stellar defensive game he played. My young son CHOSE to focus on the positive things he did instead of being dragged down by his poor performance (as well as a little embarrassment). He CHOSE not to beat himself up over his performance. During this time, in spite of adversity, his self-confidence still shone through, causing others to still react to him in a positive manner.

What a lesson for me. We play ‘life’ every single day. We have good days and bad days - moments we cherish and moments we prefer to forget. When it comes to my self esteem, I know I couldn’t have reacted as my son did. With my fragile self-esteem the embarrassment of the situation would have weighed me down. The experience would probably reinforce my low self confidence. I’d get caught up in the negatives and then in my mind think of all the other reasons why I’m worthless in the first place.

From an eleven year-old I was reminded that I get to chose how I react, what I think, and how I feel after humiliating/embarrassing experiences that could harm my self esteem. My son also reminded me to always seek the positive in a situation. Also, he reminded me that life’s not perfect and neither are we; therefore, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves. We’ve got to roll with the punches and then keep going, because there will be other games (life experience) that will test our self confidence as well. The more we practice a positive response to a bad experience, the more our self confidence grows.

I’m extremely thankful for the lesson and I’m extremely proud of my son.

Pitfall of Negative Thinking

Kim — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 01:55:04 +0000

Negative thinking has a sneaky way of creeping up on you if you’re not careful. Even the most dedicated self-help, personal development junky finds his or herself falling victim to negativism at times. It happened to me today in the workplace. One of the supervisors I work with was explaining why one of our employees was unhappy in the office. This employee is one of the employees I label as the ‘floundering five’ because they are always critical, negative, whinny, complainers that never focus on anything positive. It gets old and irritating at times. I guess I let them get to me today. Years of ‘automatic’ negative thinking patterns snatched the opportunity to take over. This type of thinking became so natural over the years that I hadn’t even realized I was doing it.

Fortunately, I caught my negative thinking today before it could zap me of all of my positive energy. That’s when it dawned on me the pitfalls of negative thinking. Being that most of us love complacency it’s so easy to fall into familiar habits (whether good or bad). When this happens to you (and it will) don’t beat yourself up, because it provides the perfect opportunity for negativity to creep in and take over. Just remember, the reality is that you’ve probably been thinking more negative thoughts than positive thoughts over your lifetime and it’s going to take constant work to reprogram your thinking habits.

I think one of the earliest victories over your thoughts is conscious awareness of negative thinking. Once you are aware you are doing it, then this provides the opportunity to change the thought. I wish I could tell you that there is a magic pill or formula to change negative thinking into positive thinking but there is not. I’ve found that the willpower and desire to change as well as consistent effort work the best for me. Remember, we get what we think about most. Understanding that our mind’s focus usually comes true was enough incentive for me to work on changing my thoughts.

As an example, my youngest son plays football with a friend who always seems to feign being hurt. This young man dramatized injuries so much that this year it actually happened. I also know of a woman who always thought that people in the office were out to get her. She constantly negativity thought that management would find fault with her performance to discipline her. Well, her performance started to decline to the point where she is getting her wish. Believe me, negative thinking is extremely powerful. Unfortunately, we’re more inclined to fall victim of negative thinking faster than positive thinking. Someone once pointed out to me that people are more likely to share negative experiences with people before sharing positive experiences. It was explained that a positive customer experience is likely shared with several people while a negative customer experience is likely shared with at least three times the amount of people. In my case, I know this is true.

So how can you fight negative thinking? I’m the type of person who needs all weapons and tricks at my disposal to overcome bad habits. I always try to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I try to use visualization, but it can be challenging for me at times. This is when I bring in the reinforcements. Music is an excellent tools to help me think positively. Humor is another weapon of choice. Sometimes smelling freshly baked cookies and cakes helps. Do you get the picture?

In the case of the employees in the office who prompted this post - how did I deal with the negative thinking they prompted? Over time, I have developed a funny visual in my head of these ladies sucking sour lemons. I also take great enjoyment in watching other employees earn well-deserved promotions ahead of them. In a nutshell, I feel sorry for them. This goes a long way in curtailing my irritation.

Just remember, don’t fall victim to the pitfalls of negative thinking, because you might just get what you’re thinking about.

Why Personal Ethics Are Important

Kim — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 20:41:57 +0000

Ethical dilemmas occur when you are faced with situations that conflict with our values or beliefs. In simple terms, some people like to refer to ethical dilemmas as the difference between right and wrong. However, right and wrong is subjective to different people based on a number of factors including culture, family upbringing, and experience. Know this, people can rationalize anything if they have no standards for measuring right or wrong. There will be many times in our lives that we are faced with ethical
dilemmas, and this is why establishing your own personal ethics is extremely important.

For example, common personal ethical dilemmas come in the form of being asked to lie, to slander others, to keep quiet, to play stupid or claim ignorance to certain behavior or events around you. As social beings who desire acceptance, we are susceptible to the pressures to conform. I’ve seen and experienced the ethical dilemmas many times in the workplace. I’ve even lost sleep over doing the right thing, because of what it would costs me. Nobody ever said that having personal ethics is easy, but it sure is great
to be able to respect yourself and know that you’re not a sellout. More importantly, it feels outstanding when you know you’ve done the right thing.

I’m a firm believer that we reap what we sow in life, this includes our personal ethics.Integrity is an important part of who we are and how we interact and behave with others. If we don’t treat all people the way we want be treated (including honesty and fairness), then we will reap the rewards of our negative efforts.Your personal ethics should be the standard to which you hold yourself so that you can live as the type of person you desire to be.

Take time to review your personal ethics, then align your personal ethics with your actions. It will not always be easy, but it is worth it. Hold yourself to the highest standard and be the best person you can be. The rewards are worth it.

Your Demeanor Reflects Self Esteem

Kim — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 19:59:19 +0000

Low self esteem shows in your demeanor. When my self worth was at its lowest, my shoulders slouched, I rarely made eye contact, and a sad expression remained plastered to my face. I was a walking advertisement for self depreciation. Each day, my self confidence disappeared a little more. I never felt like a failure before, but I learned there is a first time for everything. But you know what? I can’t explain it, but the fighter in me refused to give the people knocking me the satisfaction of knowing they were getting to me. I was sick and tired of having my dignity stripped away. I decided to boost my morale and I started by faking it.

Let me tell you, when you feel like you’re crap, it’s hard to fake anything, but I practiced and boy was the results sweet. I decided to improve my self esteem by behaving the way I did when my self confidence was strong. I’d hold my head up high, my shoulders straight. I refused to slouch and I looked everyone in the eye. Best of all, I learned to plaster a bright smile on my face. My silent message was, “you can strike at me, but I refuse to let you take me down.” Amazingly, my body language helped to boost my self esteem. What an wonderful discovery.

Granted, my bearing didn’t change overnight. I practice in the mirror - critiquing my stance. Surprisingly, I started to use my results to boost my morale - especially when I realized that I was achieving something most of my torturers would have failed to do. I was NOT buckling under the pressure of constant exclusion, silent ridicule, and humiliation. I even started to gain respect - go figure.

I’m not saying this battle with low self esteem was easy, but I learned a very important lesson - you can use external physical results to help make internal mental changes. I was reminded of something a former boss told me. He said, “act as if you have the job you want already.” So, I figured, “why not act as if I have self confidence already?” Believe me, there is credibility to that saying ‘fake it until you make it.” I also learned that I’m much stronger than I gave myself credit for.

So you see, you have more weapons at your disposal to battle self esteem than you realize. Practice the demeanor of someone with self confidence. I am sure you can find role models to copy. Also, remember you’ll make more progress boosting your self worth when you focus on improvement instead of self pity.

Why Care What Other People Think?

Kim — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 19:54:07 +0000

I believe we care about what other people think because we want to be accepted. For many years, especially in the workplace, I let my concern over what other people think about my actions and behaviors control me.

By caring what other people think - I placed myself in a very bad place. For starters, we can never please everyone and there will always be people who do not like us. Moreover, instead of caring what we think of ourselves (internal forces that we can control) we place our happiness and wellbeing on external forces (which we cannot control).

I learned my lesson the hard way, because other people think differently than I do. They have different values and experiences. Also, other people think from a different perspective with differing expectations. For instance, I had a former boss who based divisional decisions primarily on what other people think and/or thought about his choices.

Anyone who fell out of his tight circle was thought less of than those in his inner circle. The key was to get into his inner circle. But to do this, I had to care what other people think. My problem was that my values, beliefs, and work ethic was so out of line with what these people thought I literally had to sell myself out.

Granted, we all know we probably shouldn’t care what other people think, but being the emotional creatures that we are - not caring what other people think is not easy. That’s when I made up my mind and established guidelines for dealing with what other people think.

For starters, I don’t try to please everyone. Everyone will not like me and everyone will not agree with me. It’s unrealistic to think otherwise. However, I can be true to myself. I can care what I think about me over what other people think.

Also, I determined my core values, as well as the type of person I want to become. I then thought of people who exhibit the traits and characteristics that I admire. You see, not everyone’s opinion of me is even worthy of consideration.

In a nutshell, I deal with what other people think in several ways:

First and foremost, I value what God thinks. He’s my ultimate judge.
I look within to the type of person I am and strive to become.
I value the opinion of those whom I respect and love.
I strive to treat others the way I want to be treated.
I strive to do my best everyday.

That’s it. Other people will think what they want anyway. I have no control over that. However, I always have control over my thoughts and actions and as long as I strive to be the best that I can possibly be - contributing to life in a positive way - does it really matter what other people think?

Beware - Hater Alert

Kim — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:49:31 +0000

Beware of your Haters. We all have them. What is a Hater? A Hater is a person who does not like you and wants to expose your flaws or knock you down a notch or two. Whether we admit it or not, we all have people who dislike us or want to make us feel less worthy. That’s life. Unfortunately, many people tend to react emotionally to Haters. Personally, I’ve learned to deal with them as irritants forcing me to grow into a better person.

Do I always take the high road when dealing with a Hater. No. I sometimes become emotionally charged and ready to strike back (depending on how I’m being attacked). It’s Human Nature to defend ourselves against ill will. The problem surfaces because expending negative energy to deal with negativity often brings us down. With me, I am emotionally drained when I stoop to a Haters’ level.This is why my pursuit of personal growth proves invaluable. I’m learning to better control my emotions and reactions.

Since I know a Hater receives gratifcation by making me miserable, I’ve often changed my strategy to throw the Hater off balance. First, I’ve learned to pay closer attention to my emotional reactions. When I allow my emotions to rule me I do not think as clearly. I’m more apt to lash out and react which usually makes the situation worse. When this happens I’m feeding the Haters’ negative energy and giving up my personal power. Know this, to conquer a Hater you must keep your wits about you.

Keep your Hater close, at least until you can figure out his/her game. Observe your Hater and his/her strategies to hurt you. Sometimes the damage is subtle. For example, when I decided to seriously pursue losing weight,a so-called friend ridiculed my efforts and broadcasted the days I give into my sweet tooth. She implied if I wasn’t discipline emough to lose weight then I wasn’t discipline enough to take on the responsibilities of a new job. She planted many negative seeds to people who influenced a promotional opportunity available to me. This so-called friend was really a Hater. Of course, some Haters are not so subtle preferring a more blatant attack.

As hard as it may seem…be civil to your Hater. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “kill your enemies with kindness.” While I’m not suggesting you become a pushover or allow yourself to be victimized, I’ve suggesting you be smart. Study your situation and then plan your strategy. I’ve personally learned that a Hater is often thrown off track when his/her victim appears unfazed. Therefore use a cool, calm, and collected approach is best. Besides, a cool head will help you prevail - see your options more clearly.

Confronting a Hater:

Do you confront this person who is causing you so much grief? It depends on the situation and the person. Is this person usually a reasonable person? Are they really a coward? Are they a bully? Did you do something to provoke this person? Is there a win-win solution available?

Sometimes confronting the Hater is enough to make the person leave you alone. Some people hate on you because they simply know they can. I strongly recommend you get a feel for the Hater you’re dealing with before a confrontation.

Striking Back:

Another option is to strike back. Maybe this person is spreading rumors about you. Or maybe this person broadcast your flaws and mistakes to make you look bad and incompetent. I strongly recommend that you think of the risks and consequences of stooping to this level. I can honestly admit that I have taken this route and put a few Haters in their proper place. However, I never felt good afterwards. I’ve even felt ashamed, especially if there was a better way to handle the situation.

Walk Away:

Sometimes the best option is simply to walk away. Leave the Hater alone to hate. After all, he or she is known for what they are ….. a Hater. This is the best option when the Hater is not doing you any harm. More than likely, the Hater is living up to the low opinion that others have of him or her. People will probably chalk up his/her actions to jealously and spite. Besides, some people are just negative.

To summarize, be aware of the Haters. Stay alert, cool, calm, and collected. If you can do this…..you’ll learn to deal with haters effectively.

Your Willpower Is Sabotaged

Kim — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 01:13:28 +0000

Willpower in another way of describing our determination, our resolve, or simply stated…. our will. I started thinking about this, because at the beginning of every year people start setting New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, save money, or make other life changes. The hard part is that willpower isn’t effective for just one day. We need to consistently exercise our will over an extended period of time to experience success. This is a pretty daunting task in the type of society we live in today. Everyday, we are conditioned to seek the convenient way out. Here’s what I noticed on a typical food shopping day.

In my car, I listened to numerous radio commercials promoting ‘easy,’ ‘fast,’ ‘convenient,’ products and/or services. I’ve heard advertisements for everything from cleaning services for your home, easy debt reduction plans, to home-based business opportunities in which you can make thousands of dollars in only a few months. I think what really blew me away was my observation at several food stores. Did you know that food stores now sell chips, cookies, and snacks in bags that only have 100 calories? We now have the makers of products capitalizing on our inability to watch our own category intake. Is it no wonder our willpower suffers? For example, we went from cookies you can slice and bake to pre-cut cookies you only have to pop into the oven.

Yes, our willpower is sabotaged, because it’s now big business for companies to take advantage of our desire for easy, fast, and/or convenient. Everyday we are programmed via commercials and advertisements to seek easy, fast, and/or convenient. Yes folks, you can now go on a diet where all your meals are delivered to your home - taking all the guess work out of the diet process. Yes sir….another knock against exercising your willpower. Believe me, there are many types of products out there.

The bottom line is this - you cannot strengthen your will if you never exercise it. Nowadays, we have to fight against the grain, because society doesn’t offer much support. The good news is we can strengthen our drive and discipline with a little determination and plenty of resolve. Work your will as you would a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes.

I’ll be the first to admit that my willpower suffers from time to time. However, I keep at it. Better yet, if I’m really motivated I’ll function with a single-mindedness to achieve what I set to do. Remember, the obstacles you face while trying to maintain your willpower are going to be there. Knowing what you’re up against is half the battle. See every attempt as a success and focus on that. Just know that the difference between success and failure is often determined by your will.

What Type of Talker Are You?

Kim — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:31:05 +0000

Over the past year, I’ve been paying close attention to the type of talker I am. My goal in doing this is to improve my communication skills, as well as the type of person I’m striving to become. Over the years, I watched all kinds of talkers in action - the smooth talkers, the shit talkers, the big talkers, the wind talkers, the sweet talkers, and the trash talkers to name a few. Each type of talker has made an impression on me - either positive and negative. For instance, the smooth talker knows how to work
his/her communication to influence or get what they want; whereas the trash talker tends to rub people the wrong way.

Interestingly, I came across some fascinating information in my Bible Study guide this morning. The title of the section in my Bible Study guide is called The Four Tongues in which four types of speech patterns are discussed. While two types of talkers are encouraged, two are discouraged as well. Below is a summary:

1. The Wisdom Talker (the controlled tongue): these are people who think before they speak. They measure their words, they know when to keep silent, they are good listeners, and they give wise advice. Of course, we are encouraged to be this type of talker. These people have self control. They do not let their emotions get the best of their mouths. For me, I strive to be this type of talker.

2. The True Talker (caring tongue): these are people who speak truthfully while seeking to encourage. I believe these types of talkers are sympathetic to others feelings and put the interest of others before themselves. They care about others. Of course, we are encouraged to be this type of talker. For me, a wisdom talker that comes to mind is my grandmother. I think many of us probably have a caring family member or friend that can fit this bill. This is a person you can trust
- the type of talker that doesn’t necessarily always tell you what you want to hear, but tells you what is in your best interest.

3. The Two-Faced Talker (the conniving tongue): these are people filled with wrong motives, gossip, slander, and a desire to twist the truth. It’s scary, but I’ve run across many people who fall into this category in the workplace, especially when there is significant negative change and the threat of job loss.

4. The “I don’t Care” Talker (the careless tongue): these are people whose emotions contribute to what comes out of their mouths. These talkers lie, curse, are quick-tempered and often leave a path of destruction with the words they use. When I was younger, I was quick to run off at the mouth and say hurtful words that I wish I could have taken back.

Well, what about you? Which type of talker are you? Or, do you find yourself a combination of a few or all of the above? The fact of the matter is that people judge us and form opinions about us based on what we say (which is often compared to our actions). Therefore, we need to be sensitive to the fact that what we say probably affects more people than any action we take.

Have you ever been the victim of hurtful words? I know that I have and it can be downright painful. In as much, we need to pay special attention to our words and how we use them. Remember, everyone is labeling you some type of talker - so what do you want to be labeled as?

Trusting God With All My Heart

Kim — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:29:06 +0000

When I first decided to use this Blog to record my thoughts, feelings, and experiences as I learn and grow as a person, I was a little apprehensive about publicly postings for everyone to read. However, trusting God to help me deal with one of my biggest challenges - strengthening my ability to express myself to others as I continue to get to know myself - pushed me forward.

That got me to thinking about trusting God with all my heart. I really didn’t start to build my relationship with God until several years ago, so trusting him didn’t come easy. Granted, I believe in his magnificence and firmly believe that he controls all; however, I struggled with knowing when to do my part versus when to put my life in his hands. That’s when I realized that trusting God meant placing my life in his hands first and always.

I think back to February 2006 when I took my first big leap in trusting God. I decided to give up an almost six-figure income (a job I absolutely hated) with no new income prospects in sight. This was the scariest decision I’ve ever made, especially as I have a family depending on me. I remember praying constantly for God’s help and guidance.

By trusting God, I knew I made the right decision, because I had (and still do) have such a sense of peace. I still am blown away by the calmnest, peace, and joy I have in spite of the unknown. It’s amazing how God works in our lives if we just trust him. Anyway, he continues to provide all my needs and every morning I thank him for the many blessings he continues to deliver. For instance, I knew that I needed to find a new job by a certain date. With no networking (other than with God), he placed the perfect position in my path.

Trusting God to deliver, I got the job. There is so much more I can write about trusting God, but just know this - you have to believe, you have to trust, and you have to do so with all of your heart.

Time to time, I still struggle with trusting God in certain areas of my life. However, just like always, he shows me that trusting him is the best thing I could ever do. Over and over, he’s taken away my worries, helped me find opportunity, and filled me with a peace that I’ve only imagined. If I ever only have one gift or skill to bestow upon my kids it is this - I want them trusting God with all their hearts as well. Thank you, Father - for being there and coaxing me to share what’s in my heart.